I'm the mom...I'm in control

There once was a time when I truly believed that all control lay within my grasp!  It's so wonderful, isn't it?  You bring that first baby home and although you are scared, you have spent nine months reading all the books you can find.  You have it all planned out!  You are going to do it different than your mom did, you're going to do it different than your mother-in-law, you're even going to do it different than the mom down the street because this is your baby!  It's a marvelous feeling as you decide when bedtime is and what the daily schedule will be.  Of course, the baby does throw a few snags into your perfect plans because he or she needs to eat 30 minutes before you planned, but even that goes with "your" way.  If you choose to feed on demand or if you let him or her cry it out until the clock says its okay-either way-you are in control!  You are in the driver's seat and it's an absolute feeling of power and control!  Heaven forbid the well-meaning friend or family member who tries to tell  you a different way. And whether you want to admit it or not, you do have a few smug moments when you are out in public and your child is doing everything right and someone else's child is having a fit.  Let's face it, your child "must" be behaving so well because you fed him at the right time or made a sacrifice to get that nap in.

Maybe not everyone is as psychotic as I was when I first became a mom, but I truly thought I had it all figured out and I was going to do it perfectly!  I was even lucky enough to get a really easy first baby who rarely cried, did everything early, was at the top of the charts and never got sick! This only added to my delusion that I knew what I was doing!

I'm not sure when that perception was shattered, maybe because it was a gradual process and no one likes to document the moment they have to eat humble pie.  I just know that with each child and every year of parenting, I realized I knew less and less.  Even through that, I still clung to my control!  If I could control what they watched on t.v. and what friends they played with and what chores they did and when they went to bed and what they ate for dinner, then I still felt like I was doing my job!  And if I could bribe them or threaten them to be really good in public, then maybe I could cling to some inkling of perfect parenting.

Fortunately for me, Sam has taught me a new way to parent and it's about letting go of that all important control.  Can you imagine?  Can you fathom what it feels like to let go?  Well, I still cling to what I can, because I'm imperfect and it's a step by step process.  But, when I do let go, when I let the moments be what they are and just follow my children's lead, magic happens!  It is the best feeling!  And sometimes letting go of that control can be terrifying, but it builds strength too.

One of Sam's favorite things to do is explore the world!  He loves to walk and walk and walk.  Recently, we have learned to reign it in a bit by having him tell us he is ready to walk and we go with him.  But it wasn't too long ago when those walks came in the form of him disappearing.  The last major time it happened was in August and he was gone for 2 hours.  We had to call the police (not a first time experience) and we had detectives here and everyone out looking for him.  I was panicked. I was scared and emotional.  I felt overcome by fear and the possibilities of what could have happened.  During that time, I came to the realization that I truly have no control.  The control I cling to is a false sense of security because only God knows what is really happening.  In those moments, I knew that I had no idea where my Sam was, but God knew.  And then I turned it over to Him.  I stopped worrying and feeling so scared and just prayed that His will would be done and that no matter what, I would have the strength to handle it.  Believe it or not, that was the most liberating feeling I have ever had.  I didn't have to cling to my control anymore.  I could let go and let  God show me what His will was.  We found  Sam, barefoot and playing with some boys in a cul-de-sac about 5 minutes from our house.  He was perfectly safe the whole time.  But what if it had been different?  What if he had drowned, been kidnapped, been hit by a car...  Would my control have changed it?

This is an extreme example of control or lack thereof, but I think it shows the point of why it's important to just let go sometimes and let them take the lead.  It's okay to follow them and let them decide what they are going to do for the day.  Now, Sam and I walk every day, sometimes more than once.  When he says, "walk mama", we walk because I don't want him to go to great lengths to escape and walk on his own.  He has learned to trust me that I will not only let him walk when he wants to, but that I will let him lead the way.  Most of the time, our walks look a lot the same. He has a pattern that he likes to follow of things he wants to see in the same order, every day.  But sometimes, part way through, he will get an idea and off we go on a completely different path.  I just follow.  And I love the world he shows me.

Interestingly enough, although I have learned to let Sam take the lead on many things in our lives, I am not as good about that with my other kids.  I still hold them to strict standards sometimes and exercise too much control.  I know that children need boundaries and limits, I'm not talking about letting them do what they want all the time, but it's finding the balance.  It's learning to let go when they are 13 and want to spend time with friends or have discovered girls.  It's letting my 9 year old have a messy room sometimes because she would rather be reading a new book.  It's about letting my 4 year old make a huge mess in the entry way with her dolls as she pretends and pretends.   I think Sam was sent to me to teach me how to just let go more and enjoy life and the individual personalities of each of my children.  They don't need to meet my every expectation to be loved, but sometimes I worry my control issues make them feel that way.  And so I keep trying, letting them take the lead sometimes and watching where it will take us.  Life is truly the greatest adventure and for me, my children and my husband are what make it worth every minute!

My Trip to the Beach

Around the time that we learned that there were some pretty significant things wrong with Sam, I found a link on a friends blog to an amazing little story about a trip to Holland.  It talks about what it is like to raise a child with a disability.  I think of this little story often, but lately, I've kind of created my own version.  So, in order to give proper credit and let people know that what I am writing is not my own original thought, you can read the Holland version HERE.  However, I feel the need to write my own version, with a few modifications below!

I have always wanted to be a mom.  I was the oldest of five children and my whole life, all I wanted was to have a gaggle of children of my very own!  In highschool, I told everyone I was going to have 10 kids.  When most kids my age were dreaming up amazing careers, I only thought about being a mom!  When I met my wonderful husband, he talked me down to 5, or at least to take it one child at a time!

My first three children pretty much came without incident.  They were healthy and happy and hit all the milestones on time or ahead.  I thought I was becoming a pro! I used to joke that my first 3 kids were my first batch of cookies and they were my practice ones so that the next batch would be perfect! I mean, think about all you learn in parenting 3 kids-I was an expert!!

And then I became pregnant with my 4th baby.  I was so prepared. John was just graduating from law school, he had a great job lined up, we had just bought a home in the same small town I grew up in.  Life was going to be so smooth from then on.  Nothing could have been further from the truth. And although life has not been easy, by any stretch of the imagination, I am thankful for all of it.

Imagine that you were planning a beautiful, exotic trip to a white sand beach in Mexico.  You've been before, several times, in fact, so you know what to expect!  You are excited to lounge on the beach in the warm sun and feel the sand between your toes.  You pack several swim suits, a few pull over sun dresses and your favorite flip flops.  You are ready to enjoy every minute of this blessed vacation, because you know from past experience that the minutes will tick away all too fast and your vacation will be over all too soon!  This time you are prepared.  You know the places you will eat at again, which beaches you want to watch the sunset from and you can hardly wait for the day to arrive.

With bags packed and wearing your favorite summer outfit, you board the plane that will take you to Puerto Vallarta.  Nothing can quite prepare you for stepping off the plane, in mid December in Switzerland.  It's cold and snowing and the wind rips right through the thin capri's you are wearing.  You look around, waiting for someone to tell you there has been a mistake and they will fix it right away.  You check everything, trying to understand how this is happening, but hoping that it really isn't. You are not prepared for this.

Soon, you realize that this vacation will be different than what you planned.  Rather than relaxing on a hot beach, you will be hiking the Matterhorn and you've never hiked a day in your life.  You know nothing about thick wool boots with spikes on them or the ropes and pulleys you'll need to climb many rocky summits.  You have never dealt with the cold and the elements in this way and you feel nothing but fear and trepidation.  What if you can't handle it?  What if you fail?  What if it gets the better of you?  Those doubts and those fears can be a very deep dark hole that you wonder if you'll ever climb out of again.

So, you do what you can.  You find the right equipment and you very clumsily learn to use it.  You buy the right clothes and find others who have learned to hike this same terrain.  They are a Godsend to you, not only because they can do it, but because you actually see joy in their eyes and that gives you hope.  Maybe, just  maybe, someday you will learn to love this new adventure as well.  During quiet moments, perhaps at night when you have put your hiking tools away, you let your mind wander back to life before you arrived in Switzerland.  You were able to do so many other things and now you feel consumed by snow and ice and cold.  You think about that trip to Mexico that you didn't get to take and you feel a deep sense of loss.  In fact, it takes a very long time before that sense of loss doesn't make you sick to your stomach.

But those self-indulging moments are few and then you stick out your chin and get back to work.  You feel determined to learn all you can about hiking and surviving the cold!  You feel a sense of passion at not only wanting to survive, but to someday find great joy in what you are doing.  You work and you work and you fall more than you actually climb, but eventually, you discover a strength inside that you never knew you had.  You realize that you are learning to climb and now you don't fall near as much.  And there are even brief moments, when the sun sets just right and you've conquered a particularly hard cliff that you look out and see an amazing world around you.  You see a landscape that you would have never seen in Mexico.  You see a world that many never get the chance to see and words are lost as you stand and take it all in.  Your joy is complete in those moments and then, you get back to work.

And eventually, even if it takes years, your old life and your dream vacation and this new reality all merge together into a comfortable place.  It becomes home and you find peace with what you now have.  You learn to thank God for the littlest of things and you notice others in a way that you never knew how to look at them before.  And as those heights teach you to climb and climb and climb, you realize that you have been given the power and the gift, to touch heaven, just a little each and every day.

Pumpkin Patches

I will update the post later with pictures, but this is the week for pumpkin patches! On monday, we went, as a family to Hee Haw Farms.  We got in for free because of an event that was sponsored by the Angel Network for families of special needs children.  What a blessing people like this are!  They truly are angels.  It is nice to do something that would normally cost our family about $60 so we don't do it because we never know if 10 minutes into Sam will have a complete meltdown and we'll have to leave.  When things like this are free, it makes it more possible.  Plus, it's nice to be in a place where everyone else is dealing with the same issue!  There were so many beautiful children there with downs syndrome, autism and a whole array of other challenges.  These children are so special and bring such an amazing spirit with them that the whole evening was just awesome!

And yesterday (Tuesday) was Olivia's preschool trip to pumpkinland!  We had a blast!  She was so excited and loved every minute of it.  I think her favorite thing there were all the picture boards that she could put her face in and have me take a picture!  She had to do every one of them!

Tomorrow starts Fall Break and I'm so excited!  There are many things I want to do and hope that we have time for it all!

Last night, after dinner, Sam wanted to go for a walk.  He, Olivia and I walked around the neighborhood looking at all the Fall decorations.  It was so fun! He is obsessed with spiders and wants to be one for Halloween!  It was just cute to see their excitement over the decorations and their faked fear! LOL!  I just love this time of year!

Still Here

I didn't realize how much I would like this blog until six months or so went by without me writing anything and then I came back to read some of the posts.  It's amazing how many little details of a day can be so easily forgotten, if they are not recorded.   So, I'm going to try to get back to writing every day again, even if a chunk of 2010 is missing.

I spoke, in one of my last posts, about Sam going to the super awesome private school, but that it would be expensive and hard to get into.  Well, he did get in and started this Fall.  It has been an amazing experience and the changes that we are seeing give us so much hope!  He isn't perfect there, which is actually reassuring!  And it is nice to work with teachers who are open and honest about his progress.  There are no hidden agenda's, there is no double talk, it is simply a program who wants the best for  Sam-just like me.  We work together, have rewards set up at home and at school and it is working! He loves getting his "Wow" tickets, both at home and school!

Today is a Sunday and it was a crazy morning trying to get to church on time.  You would think that I would learn that life runs at a different pace with Sam!  But I often need reminders.  So, as I hurried through our schedule of getting kids bathed, dinner in the crockpot, snacks and activities packed, clothes found, last minute items tossed in the dryer and enough shoes for everyone's feet scrounged up, I felt like I was pulling teeth in trying to get Sam to listen.  Everything became a meltdown, and in looking back, I think most of it was the way I was talking to him.  I was hurried and rushed and exasperated and those emotions don't do well for him!

Finally, as it was time to walk out the door, he was in a heap on the floor in tears.  He had pants on (backwards) and nothing else.  I sent John to church with everyone else and I sat down to take a deep breath.  I waited for him to calm down and then told him we could walk to church when he was ready.  Well, Sam is a boy who loves walks! He lives for walks!  So, as I waited patiently, he got ready and we headed out.  I knew I was already late and part of me wanted to hurry him along, but I knew better.  So, we took our time, we walked slowly-taking everything in.  He had to stop and look at every roly poly and walk on the rocks in different yards we passed.  My frustration was gone, and I let myself just enjoy our time together.  We were halfway there, when he decided to veer off the path, towards the canal that runs through our neighborhood.  I called to him, but then followed.  He had been drawn to a yellow sunflower that he picked and handed to me.  It was so sweet and such a reminder to me how beautiful life with him is.  His pace is different than most and he sees things in a completely different way, and I love it!  I love what he teaches me each day!

We did eventually make it to church about 25 minutes late, but he was calm and happy when we got there.  It was such a stark contrast to a Sunday, several months ago when I forced my schedule on him. We ended up in the foyer, in the middle of a HUGE meltdown, when he decided to pee on me.  Little by little, I am learning to not push, to not pull, but to just follow along!

Funny Moments

Lately I have been spending a lot more time with Sam, just trying to let him be him and seeing the world from his view.  I've decided that he doesn't need to do thing my way to be normal, I just need to understand things the way he does.  This has been an amazing gift and given me so much insight into my darling little man!  Getting his ideas out can sometimes entail a lot of charades, but it can be fun!  I thought I would share a few things tonight.

Olivia talks daily about getting a puppy.  She is obsessed and is planning and planning for this new addition, even though we have told her it will be at least a year before mom is ready for another "baby".  At first, Sam would always say "no (insert panting dog sound), horse"  Yes, he believed we should get a horse instead of a dog.  Well, yesterday as we were walking, he said, "mammy, no (insert panting dog sound), ooh ooh, ah, ah"  I said, "you want a monkey?"  He nodded, with much excitement and said it again.  I found it so cute that he had really thought it out!  Of course, Olivia was quick to put things in perspective, as she said we don't have a tree for a monkey.

The other cute thing, took a bit more work to get out of him, so I'll save the actual dialogue.  We were discussing hair cuts, and he kept pointing to his chin and jaw line.  Finally, we figured out and he confirmed that he wanted a hair cut and a beard-at the same time!  He was convinced that I could just use the cut hair to make the beard.

He is a delight and I find myself enjoying him so much more than I ever thought possible.  Don't get me wrong, I've always held a special place for him in my heart.  As a baby, he was in and out of the hospital on a regular basis.  I was with him during most of those times and we had quite the bond.  Many times, when he is upset or scared, I am the only one he wants.  This can be draining and rewarding all at once.  But, I will admit, the past few years have been hard.  As he would make mess after mess and give me countless scares, I just felt worn out all the time.  I truly felt like he did those things, just to punish me, and sometimes he truly did.  If I didn't give him what he wanted, he would storm upstairs (to his room-or so I thought) only to find that he had locked himself in my room and ruined all of my makeup or flooded the bathroom while throwing in my blow dryer and curling iron with all the water. 

But he has taught me that those things don't really matter-they are just things.  And as I strive to understand his frustration, I feel great compassion for him.  I feel bad for the times I get upset and rush to judgment.  Someday, I hope to have true charity-unconditional love that overwhelms every other emotion.  I know if I have any chance of having that, it will come from these precious moments with Sam.  What a blessing he is in my life!

And because I do have 5 other children that I absolutely adore, I don't want to make it sound like Sam is my only focus!  I adore them all, and I'm so grateful for this role of motherhood!  I'm so imperfect and some days feel that they deserve so much more, but my love and admiration for each of them grows more each day!

Up, Up and Away

Tonight, after the little ones were in bed, I went for a walk.  It was right around dusk and the weather was amazing.  The view from our little development overlooks the entire Utah Valley.  In one glance, I could see budding trees, green grass, the blue lake and beyond that, amazing mountains still coated with snow!  It was breathtaking.  As I was walking, I noticed 3 helium balloons had been released into the sky.  They were attached together and just made me ponder.  They were so free!  They floated slowly into the beautiful heavens, with hardly a care in the world.  I pondered at how I felt like those three balloons, on this particular evening.  Amazing how a good day with a difficult situation can make you feel as if all the cares of the world have been lifted!  Compared to how heavy and dark the load was a week ago, those balloons reminded me of how good things can turn and change.  After pondering this for a second, I looked back towards the balloons, but they were completely gone.  They had disappeared into the vast sky's and no trace of them was left behind.  I searched and searched the sky, perhaps because it felt so fleeting, but there was no sign.

I continued to ponder this, and again,  I felt inspired by their brief moment in the sky.  Perhaps this is life.  The challenges come and they can feel so overwhelming.  We wonder how we will ever get through it.  Life seems unfair and relentless.  And then, all it takes is a moment.  A smile, a look in the eye when you know your autistic child is really seeing you and everything lifts! The joy is exquisite, the moment is priceless.  You feel on top of the world and like anything is possible.  You rejoice in the work it took to get to that moment, you feel the strength you didn't think you had, and you know you will get through another day, another month, a lifetime.  And just like those balloons, those moments are fleeting and you return your feet to the ground, put your head down and get back to work!  However, those little moments are what make it all worth it.  You continue to hope, you continue to dream and you live for the next smile, the next gleeful giggle and that joy once again.

Mixed Opinions

I am continually amazed by the people and opinions I come across in this journey of ours.  I truly had this image (before I ever started) that every professional I would have to work with, would have the best interest of every child in mind, they would know what needed to be done and move forward.   While I truly believe that those in the medical and educational fields do mean well, I am amazed at the double talk, I constantly get.  Everyone wants to undermine the other person and they contradict themselves wildly.  That is just appalling to me.

Several months ago, I approached Sam's preschool teacher with the idea that he could have autistic tendencies.  I have noticed things from the time he was little, but whenever I bring them up, people often brushed them aside.  This time, I pushed harder.  I requested an evaluation be done.  But I didn't stop there, I went out and set up my own evaluations to be done privately.  I wanted to cover all my bases. 

The first evaluation to come back was from the school.  We didn't get the initial results from the school psychologist, but rather from the preschool teacher basically telling us that the testing showed he was fine and that he wasn't on the spectrum.  I was so excited!  I told everyone.  A week later, we got the results from the private psychologist.  He diagnosed Sam with PDD-NOS secondary to his xxyy syndrome.  We took that information back to the school only for them to try and undermine what this Dr. from the University of  Utah had told us.  They said he used outdated tests and basically that he was either wrong or it didn't really apply to Sam in the classroom.  The school pyschologist actually told me that his social problems were not a big deal and didn't need to be addressed now, however, they would keep that diagnosis on file so that if he struggled with friends at a later date, then they could see about doing something about it.  What?  That makes no sense to me.

Then there is the ongoing debate for children with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and other developmental delays on whether they should be taught with a behavioral approach or a sensory approach.  The school (at least in our district) will only approach it from a behavioral approach.  However, new studies show that if you can reach a child at that core level and work on fixing what is causing the problem, you have a chance of building a real relationship with them and helping them to develop into higher levels.  The behavioral approach mostly teaches patterns and scripts.  I'm sorry, but I want more for my little boy.  I don't want him to go through life with memorized scripts to say in social situations.  I believe, with all my heart, that he can have more!  I want him to feel and share love!  I want him to experience this big, beautiful world in the way that most of us are able to and take for granted.

I have been reading "Engaging Autism" by Dr. Greenspan.  It teaches DIR or the floortime method.  When I asked the school psychologist about her thoughts on this method, she told me she didn't know anything about it.  Am I crazy that I don't want my child to go through a system that is not even willing to look at other types of beliefs and methods?  Am I crazy that I don't want something so strict and structured that it forces my child to behave perfectly within their model and completely fall apart at home or in outside social situations?  On some levels, Sam has improved over the past year in school.  They say he is perfect in their setting.  However, his behavior at home has completely deteriorated.  His relationships with those closest to him are distant, most the time.  He pulls away from my touch 90% of the time.  He rarely makes eye contact with me and he has yet to spontaneously express love to me in any way.  If I tell him I love him, he looks away.  I want more, and I refuse to put up with what this school is offering.  I truly don't know how I will accomplish this.  There is an amazing private school that I would love to send him to, but there is a waiting list and expensive tuition.  But, I want something different then what the school is telling me to do and what they are offering.

I know I will find the answers, and I know there will be little moments of pure joy because I am willing to fight so hard for him.  One thing is for sure, I am done fighting with "the system".  I only have so much energy.  I choose to put that energy into Sam and my other children.  I won't spend another precious bit of my time on a system that is broken and failed.

Long overdue...

Well, I don't have any pictures for today, and I know that I am over a month late in updating.  And I will be honest, I don't know that I have anything of interest to say, but at the end of the day, I need to write about so many things.  Especially after days like today, when I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I can hardly breathe from the weight of it.  I realized that I need to write it out.  I need to keep a record of how hard and yet beautiful this journey can be.  There is just one thing, if anyone besides me reads this, I am not writing this for sympathy or pity.  I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me on tough days, because this is just my life, and  I have to find the joy in it, any way I can.  And part of finding that joy is recognizing the painful and dark days.  There really can be no light without dark.  So, please know that my ramblings are for me, more than anything else.  Maybe someday, when I am better at handling these challenges, I can look back to days like today and see the progress I've made.

The day started very early for  me.  I was tired and went to bed early last night, but woke up at 2 a.m., wide awake and thinking about all the things I can't seem to get done during the day.  I think about the visiting teaching appointments I meant to get made, I think about the kids' bikes I keep forgetting to drop off and get fixed or the eye appointment for Abby I need to get made.  I think about how I didn't get my exercise in for the day nor did I eat the things I had planned to eat in order to lose some of this weight.  The list goes on and on.  And when the rest of the world is sleeping and infomercials are the only thing on t.v. these lists seem even more impossible then they do in the middle of a crazy, busy day.  Finally at about 6 a.m. I was able to doze off.  45 minutes later, I was awakened by Sam, slamming a door and hurrying down the stairs with Chipper's monopoly game.  He had wanted to play it the night before, but I told him to wait.  He never forgets those things, from the night before.  The first half of today was spent trying to appease his obsession with wanting to play a game.  We don't have any that would be appropriate for his age, and I didn't feel like another trip to walmart just to appease it.  Yesterday the obsession was bubbles, and there was no rest until I bought new bubbles.

By 10 a.m., as I tried to spend a few minutes on the phone making visiting teaching appointments, he found a marker and in just seconds, he had drawn on the couch, the bean bag and the piano.  When I took it away (while still maintaining a conversation) he ran upstairs screaming and locked himself in the bathroom.  As I tried to get the lock open, he pounded on the wall until Noah woke up.  Noah had only been down for a nap about 10 minutes.  By the time, I got Noah out of bed, Sam was back down the stairs and outside on the trampoline.  It was exhausting and I feel so out of control.  This is a normal day for me.  I don't get anything done I just do damage control.  I feel like he is running the household and we are all on pins and needles, as we ride out the meltdowns, try to keep him from running away and don't even get me started on what it is like to leave the house.

I was very happy when that bus pulled up, just after 12.  I sighed a breath of relief and collapsed on the couch.  I had no energy for the growing list, although I was able to get the bikes to the bike shop and my appointments made.  He was gone for 4 hours, and by the time he returned, I felt better.  I love him so much, he just wears me out.  I feel like my other 5 children get the worst of me, because I have nothing left.  I told John today that I feel like my emotional reserves have even run out.  I truly feel so empty and sad.  I feel jealous by the smallest things.  That is so bad of me to admit.  But, I saw a woman out jogging and I felt jealous that she had the time and energy to do that for herself.  I can't even shower unless there is someone to specifically watch  Sam for me during that time, and even then, I usually can hear him screaming when I get out.  I no longer have a life.  I feel like I wake up and survive until bedtime and then I collapse for a few hours only to wake and worry and feel guilty about all the things I'm not accomplishing.  I hate this so much.  I'm tired of crying every day.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up about one new thing that might work, only to have it fail miserably.  I want to feel normal.  I want to blend in when I go out into public.  I want to feel happy again.  And to add to all of this, we just learned that Sam will not get summer school.  So, I will have no break for 3 months.  John will be gone some weeks for days at a time, and I will deal with it alone.  I know that so many care and want to help, but the reality is I don't even know how to ask.  I don't know how to reach out.  And I worry that when I talk about these challenges that people get sick of hearing about it. I know that there are far worse challenges in life, and things could always be worse, but for me, right now, I feel like I'm drowning and I will never get out.  I also worry that by the time things get more easy and doable, then I will look around and my other children will be all grown and gone and I will have missed so much.

Anyway, I know things will improve. I know I will find answers, because I have to.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, and I will find a way to do so.  I will find success for Sam and I will find a way to help him without it being all about me.  I truly can't imagine how frustrating the world is to him, right now.  I'm sure my hopelessness can't even hold a candle to his.

Belated Birthday Post

I don't even know why I didn't post last night. I guess I was just too happy from that end-of-the-day birthday bliss!  It was such a nice day!  I was reminded how many people in my life I love and how many of them love me back!  I am blessed in every way! 

We went to a church couples dinner/dance and had so much fun!  We have some awesome couples in our ward/neighborhood and it was so fun to hang out with them!  We listened to music and even danced.  It was so much fun!

So hard

I think this project gets harder and harder each day.  I really don't feel like I have much to say! There really isn't anything exciting about my life, so I worry about boring any potential readers!  Today was a good day.  I stayed home most the day, did some cleaning, caught up some stuff on the computer and watched a lot of basketball!  I love March Madness!  Tomorrow is my birthday, and I can't believe I will be 38.  Mitchell was so excited to give me my present early, so I took a picture of it for my day!  He wrote me a book of poems, and I thought I would share just one:

Mom you're as sweet as cake and ice cream
38's not as old as it seems.

Maybe that just says it all!  I sure love my kids!

I love my Son

Well, I love all 4 of my boys, but today, I felt like spotlighting my eldest.  He is such a sweet and great boy!  I am so thankful to know him and have him as a son.  He sets a great example for his siblings and really sets the tone in our home!  He was cast as Gaston in the school musical, and I think he loves having all those silly girls chasing him!  He is such a fun actor, and I love seeing him love something so much!

Stop Jumping on the Trampoline Naked

If I had a dollar for every time I find myself saying these words, I would be a very rich woman!  Sam LOVES to jump with all his clothes shed on the lawn.  My poor sweet neighbor.  She is a wonderful sweet elderly woman who just loves me and my kids and makes me smile everytime I see her!  I'm sure Sam has given her a chuckle on more than one occasion.  Most of the time, I don't care.  Maybe I should.  But I don't.  There are way too many other things I can worry about.  It makes him happy, and hey, if that's all it takes, well, for now, go for it!  However, I did draw the line today when he headed out the front door (still completely naked) to ride his scooter down the driveway.  I explained that he had to keep the naked thing to the back yard!

(I know I'm still lacking like 2 weeks of pictures. Things have just been crazy, but I promise the picture for today does have Sam clothed!)

Busy Wonderful Day

I know I am so behind on pictures.  Hopefully I will have time tomorrow to catch up on them! I'm seriously slacking on all things computer!  It has just been so busy and by the evening when I have a little time to catch up, I'm so tired!  I have lots of pics, even uploaded, I just need to crop, size and post them! 

Today I took the kids to a little farm close to our house.  They loved it!  It was so fun and Sam did so well.  He didn't run away once and he interacted with us just like a normal boy his age.  His speech is still a bit difficult, but he really says so  much.  It is just mostly vowels which can be a bit tricky!

He found a worm today too, that he fell in love with.  In fact, on the way home (yes, I actually let him carry it in the car) he sort of split the worm in half and who knows what else, but it clearly had gone to meet its maker by the time we arrived home.  Sam didn't care though, he promptly buried him in the dirt.  A few hours later, when we went to pick up kids from school, he had to bring wormie.  Needless to say, the poor dead worm was still waiting in the same spot and got to take another road trip in the hands of Sam.  I was just thrilled at his level of interest.  He has been making so much progress and it thrills me for the future.  For so long, I allowed things I read to tell me what to expect for and from Sam.  It created a lot of ceilings for him and me.  I mourned the loss of all the things he may never be able to do.  Lately, I have decided to throw all that out the window.  Sam may have a diagnosis of several things, but they do not define him.  He still has all the potential for a wonderful future that my other children do!  And honestly, I love exploring each new day with him and seeing who he is becoming!  It is an amazing adventure!

Happy Baby

I fell asleep last night without blogging.  It's the first time that has happened since the beginning of the year.  I was so tired though, and this darn time change isn't helping any!  We had a good day at church today, and a really nice afternoon.  It just went way too fast!  I love this picture and the amazing smile on Noah's face!  He laughed and laughed last night as Chipper played with him!  It was adorable!
 

Crazy Weather

Even though the date stamp and time show it to be very early on Sunday morning, I haven't technically been to bed yet, so I can still count it as Saturday!  It's 4 am, but I couldn't go to sleep without blogging! Am I crazy?

Today was a good day with crazy weather.  It started out cloudy, then rained, then turned to sleet, then to snow and when I went out this evening to a friend's house, it was that super cold windy snow!  Definitely did not feel like the almost 60 degrees we had the day before!

I had a great day, though.  First, I got to meet a friend that designs with me at my shop, Brownie Scraps.  She lives in Salt Lake, and it was fun to go meet her and her two children!  We had a lot of fun!  Then I hung out with the family, ate yummy food and just enjoyed being together!  Tonight when everyone was headed to bed, I went to my friend Angela's house where she was having a raw foods party!  It was a blast, and I'm even more anxious than before to learn more!  I have been intrigued by eating all raw food for about 7 years now, but have never managed to fully make the switch.  It is coming slowly, but I gained a lot of new info and some yummy recipes tonight that I can't wait to try!  After the party, several of us stayed and talked for hours and hours, but it was so fun!  I haven't done that in years!

And now, I'm thinking I better go get a little sleep since the baby will probably be up in about 2 hours!

Big Brothers

I couldn't help but having to snap this picture (it will be here tomorrow, I promise) of Sam and Noah walking.  Sam isn't always Noah's favorite person.  In fact, often when Noah sees Sam getting close he screams!  There is a bit of history there, since Sam likes to hit Noah (softly, but still) and other not so nice things.  However, lately, Sam loves to help Noah learn to walk.  It is so precious and Noah thinks it is the best thing ever!

Every, Every Minute

As I sit here, ready to write tonight, I struggle finding anything exciting that happened.  Life can be funny that way sometimes.  Lots of big things can happen in a few days that you feel like you can't write it all out.  Then there are days that are just as normal and quiet and well, boring that you even wonder if you have anything worth writing about.  Nothing exciting happened today.  Nothing bad happened today.  It was just a day.

And even though, most who may read this, could care less as to how many diapers I changed or how often I had to sweep the floor, or how quickly I tried to pull a naked Sam off the trampoline before any neighbors wondered what was going on, to me, it was a precious day.  It was a day of normal living.  It was waking up to the sounds of my 10 month old and hurrying to get others awake, breakfast on the table, hair done, shoes found, faces checked as some rush out the door.  It was a day of doing laundry and washing dishes and wiping noses.  It was a day of noise and play and fighting.  It was a day of grocery shopping and music lessons and song practice for the upcoming Easter program.  This is my life and nothing could represent the beauties in it, more than a simple day like today.

When I was in high school, I played the part of Emily in the Thornton Wilder play, "Our Town".  I loved this play!  I even used a monologue from it to audition in college.  My very favorite lines in the play are at the very end.  Emily has just died while in child birth and she gets to go back for just one day.  It was an ordinary day, nothing special about it at all, and yet at the end, she is overwhelmed by the memory and the specialness of it all.

Here, at this point in my life, when I feel that I can barely catch my breath somedays, I find joy and sadness in the every day.  Even the monotony of days goes way too quickly.  And I find myself, tonight, remembering Emily's words at the end of the play, "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?--every, every minute"

Tired

I have no idea why, but I have been so tired all week.  I just feel like I'm dragging.  As a result, we didn't do much today.  I did some cleaning, but mostly tried to rest.  Rest isn't exactly easy with six kids and a hubby out of town!  But, I'm off to bed now, and hopefully tomorrow will be better!  I will catch up the pictures tomorrow. I have them all taken and even most of them  uploaded, I just need to resize and post!

Quiet Ordinary Day

It was kind of nice to have a quiet day.  I didn't have to go anywhere outside of our little section of the world and it felt like a normal day.  I have enjoyed seeing family and all the fun and activities, but it was nice to just sort of exist today! 

Sam is still enjoying the trampoline and sneaks out there at every opportunity.  The other children are enjoying it as well, so its very nice!  This evening I was able to go to a church party and it was so fun.  I just love the women in our ward and have so many wonderful friends!

My Cutie

I just love this picture of Noah!  I took this today while we were out and visiting the dinosaur museum with cousins!  We had so much fun, even though it was pretty crazy!  We had five adults and 8 children under the age of 5!  Yeah, definitely crazy!!!  We only lost Sam once though, so that is a huge bonus in my book!

Things have improved so much with  my little guy.  Since taking him off all dairy and wheat, he has cleared up and has actually gained a couple of pounds.  I'm so excited by this!  There is nothing worse than worrying about your baby! 

The trampoline is still paying off, big time!  That is the only thing Sam wants to do.  In fact, as I got him ready for bed tonight, I asked him if he was excited to go to school tomorrow (normally he ADORES school). Tonight he said, "no bus (meaning riding the bus to school and attending school), boo (food) and bump bump (jump jump).  So, its good to know he has his priorities in the right place!

Family

Today we had a wonderful time with John's family.  Everyone was there except for his sister, Merri's husband who couldn't get off work back in Florida!  But other than that, everyone was present and accounted for!  It was fabulous!  10 adults and all 12 of the grandchildren (1/2 of whom are mine!) were crowded around tables set up in the dining room and living room!  It was crazy and loud and hectic and complete bliss!  We don't get to see some of the family very often, so it was wonderful to catch up and see all the cousins in action!  My nieces, Morgan and Ashley are 14 and 12 and live in Las Vegas.  They are both preparing to do a production of Beauty and the Beast, just like Chipper!  It was fun to watch them bounce lines off each other!  Noah was in heaven, just bouncing from one person to another.  He wasn't shy a bit!  The weather was beautiful and we even gathered outside for some pictures!  It was a very nice day!

Tears

I will post the picture lately, but I am worn out tonight from many many tears.

I have often felt cursed, in my life, for how close to the surface my emotions are.  I can cry at commercials!  Today was one of those days that I wished I could have held everything inside and not shed a tear.  As we said goodbye to Grandma and laid her earthly body to rest, I couldn't control the flood of emotions and the waterfall of memories.  At moments, it was a bit too much to process and I had to remind myself to breathe.  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that she is no longer suffering, and I know that she is where she needs to be.  I know she lived an incredible life-the type we all dream of living.  It was just that I remembered every kind thing she ever did for me, the squishy hugs she was so good at, and the amazing amounts of love she had for her family and everyone around her.  For just a moment, I wished I could pause time and rewind.  Not that I wanted to go back a few days and see her one more time.  I wanted to go back through the years and relive all the moments.  Life is beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time.  Each day comes and goes and there is nothing we can do to change that.  And no matter how hard we try to cherish it and hold on to it, it still slips on by.  And with that, new generations are born and old generations must pass by.  At one point, just like me, she wrestled with 6 children and the daily chores that needed to be done.  She held them and kissed them and poured all the love into that job, just as I try to do each day.  She watched them each go away to school, get married, have children and watched them grow.  She attended all the important events, held the new babies, kissed the toddlers and watched each day of life come and go.  I'm sure it all felt like a matter of moments, as she prepared to end her life here.  I guess part of my tears today were not only for my deep love for her, but also an appreciation for the life she lived and in part, my tears were for me, knowing that I too must pass through the trials she did and in the end leave it all behind.  I'm thankful to know and believe with all my heart that this life is not the end.  I cling to that faith as I feel that life is just a big whirlwind, going way too fast!

I will miss her so much.  Even today, I expected her to walk in and brighten the room with her smile.  But, I will always hold her dear.  And I will work to live my life like she did and look forward to meeting her again.

Snow, Snow and More Snow

I finally get to blog about snow! Yay!  We actually had a real snow storm today! It was beautiful!  And it was the perfect now.  Almost a foot, but not cold outside and most had melted by night!  The roads weren't bad, but it was that perfect snowman building snow!  Of course, the fact that it is March means that I couldn't build a snowman!  Heavens no. Those are for December and January!  I build the Easter Bunny!

My Little Monkey

The photo will be posted soon, but I just love how into exploring my little Noah is.  This is such a fun age!  The dishwasher is truly one of his favorite toys.  Usually, he just loves to take everything out as fast as the older kids can fill it!  But, I had to snap a picture today, when I saw him like this!

Fixing the motorcycle

Sam has always struggled with using imagination.  It is not something that comes easy or natural for him. However, lately, due in part to the HUGE imagination of his little sister, he has started imaging and playing a bit more!  I love it!  I enjoy every moment of their play!   Today, they brough in his scooter, but they called it a motorcycle and they were fixing it.  Their tools included a jumprope, the can opener and a large spoon!  Needless to say, they had a blast and the scooter has never run better!

My Latest Project

Well, you all probably know by now that I don't like pictures of myself, so this little book was hard for me to do.  But, I decided that it would be nice to have a little album about me, not only for me to look back on, but for my kids to remember who I was in 2010!  I included all my favorites and my 4 goals to accomplish before I turn 40!  It will be fun to look back and see if I did it!  Maybe it's the fact that I've lost 3 loved ones in the past 5 months, but it  has reminded me that it is little things like this that we will leave behind as concrete evidence that we existed!  My kids may not remember that my favorite movie of all time is Pride and Prejudice, that my very favorite food is enchiladas (okay, they will probably remember that one!) or that I really truly want to run a marathon, publish a book, go on a cruise and grow a successful garden in the remaining two years before I turn 40.  But this is a small way I can document me for them!  I plan to put it in my hope chest, along with all the other little treasures that make me who I am!  Hopefully, someday, when my time on earth is done, they can take each one out and spend just a few more minutes remembering the little things that make me me!  And hopefully, they will also know and remember that I love them!

Spring

This picture is actually of us at Chuck E. Cheeses, before we headed out to play.  Apparently, I only imagined taking all the fun pics of us in the sunshine! 

Grandma passed away this  morning, and it still doesn't seem real.  I didn't go and say goodbye.  There wasn't a chance between one of us needing to be with the kids and my own fears.  I don't like losing those I love.  I don't like things changing.  I don't like to admit that I am getting older with each day, that some day my own children will be the adults and I don't like reminders of how quickly life passes.  I am grateful to have had her in my life.  I lost my own grandmother when I was 15, and it about broke my heart.  I loved her so much.  When John and I were dating and I met his grandmother for the first time, I knew she was meant to be my grandma, as well!  She was very easy to adopt!   I'm thankful for the beliefs I have about life and death.  I am grateful to know that I will see her again!

Other than that piece of sad news, today was a beautiful day!  The weather was warm, the snow has all melted and I got to spend a few hours out working in my yard!  It was heaven.  I could have spent the whole day!  I have big plans (don't I always) for my yard this year! I want a HUGE garden with vegetables that we can eat all summer long!  I want to grow several lilac bushes (they remind me of my grandma) and all sorts of other flowers and plants.  I want to grow herbs that I can use in my cooking.  I envision spending the summer picking weeds, watering plants and just sitting out on my porch enjoying it all!  See, I really am getting old!  It's easy to imagine every dream, when the first hint of spring hits the air.  And almost as wonderful as the sunshine today, I enjoyed the other signs that spring was on the way.  I saw three boys pulling out their basketball hoop and setting it up, children were on their bikes, 2 siblings sat giggling on their trampoline, 2 sisters dug with mini shovels in the flower garden in front of their house.  We were all ready to leave the bleak, cold winter and just soak up the sunshine!


Tomorrow is supposed to be even warmer!

Long Day

I love how sweet my baby looks, drinking his bottle.  It has been a bittersweet week, as I have weaned him.  He hasn't seemed to care much, but it has been hard for me!  I love nursing and the special bond it always gives me with each of my children.  But between trying to figure out how to get this little guy to gain more weight and figure out his allergies, it has been easier to put him on formula!

Yet again I am going to post and then put my picture up later.  I'm so tired tonight.  It was a long day.   Church was good, but tiring.  Olivia woke up with pink and goopy eyes so John stayed home with her and Noah. I took the others to church, and even though Sam was quite a bit of work, it went really well!

After church, we ate and rested a bit, then John's brother called.  His grandma is not doing well at all, and they don't expect her to make it through the night.  He left to go be with family.  I had a fireside I really wanted to go to.  Another ward was hosting a fireside about autism and other special needs, so I left the kids (except Noah) in the care of Chipper and went to the meeting. It was very good and I learned a lot of good stuff.  When I got home, all was well (I just will work to forget where Mitchell supposedly got locked in Chipper's room and crawled out the window, on to the roof, around to the shed and through the back yard) and they had even cleaned the kitchen.

Kids are now all in bed, and I'm ready to sort out the day and process everything.  I will be back tomorrow!

Today was a nice and relaxing Saturday.  It was beautiful weather, but I didn't even go out in it. I should have, but it felt nice to catch up on a few projects, stay in pj's most the day and just enjoy the kids!  John took Chipper and Abby to visit Grandpa Yarn, and they enjoyed that.  We're all still a bit in shock and trying to come to terms with how grandma is doing.  I especially feel for my mother-in-law and  my heart aches for her.

I've been reading a new book lately (mostly just when I lay by Sam for naps and bedtime).  It is absolutely fabulous!  I'm quite the picky reader, but this book does not disappoint.  If you are looking for an enjoyable read with fabulous characters who walk right off the page, then you  need to read The Help.

The picture above is a cute little project I finished up.  I will be posting more info about them on my store blog on wednesday!

Sun and Clouds

Today was such a beautiful day, weather wise!  The sun was out and the weather was a bit warm, making me extra excited for Spring to come.  I took Sam to the park this afternoon and he was in heaven!

But with the Sun, there were clouds.  Grandma Yarn (John's mother's mother) is dying and all we can do is wait.  They found MRSA in her knee and in an abcess they removed from her brain stem, so it is just a matter of time.  I know that for her, this is a blessed thing.   She has struggled with a lot of health problems for years.  But she will be missed.  She was not my grandma for the first 23 years of my life, but she has been for the past 15.  I love her so much.  I love her because she is not like most grandma's.  She isn't what you picture in a sweet old lady, although behind her sass, she really does have a sweet streak!  She will tell it to you straight and never mince words!  But I love her for it!  I have so much to say about her and how I feel, but the tears are just so abundant!  I don't know that my words are even making sense.  I will miss her dearly.  She will be the third loved one I have lost in under 6 months, and my heart hurts for it all.  It is a constant reminder that we are all terminal and every day is precious.

Another let down!

I'm totally weird, and I'll admit that!  But, I watch the news faithfully, every day, hoping for a big snow storm!  I wait all week, for the supposed big storm that will hit!  Well, today was like all the rest-very anti-climatic!  It was pretty for a few minutes this morning and then it quickly melted!  I guess I'm just left to covet all the storms in the east!

Mitchell's ear is a lot better tonight, but now it has started in with Olivia.  Oh well, I guess this is what to expect when one has six children!  Little Noah is gradually getting better, but he seems to be bouncing back the slowest.  He just seems to have so much crud around his eyes and it makes him look so tired!  Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

Another Tough Day

I am so tired of the sickies!!!  I am ready for them to be gone.  Poor Mitchell is struggling with an earache that has moved from his right ear, now to his left.  At least the pain isn't as bad in his right ear anymore, but still. I just feel horrible for him.  Noah was a bit better today, but still has some goopy eyes and a yucky nose.  I'm so ready to be done with this so I can get back to our routine.  I really wanted to go to my  yoga class tomorrow, but I just don't think he is quite well enough yet.

As for the picture above, I totally forgot until bedtime to take a picture today.  I mean, honestly, I can only stand so many pictures of sick children!  Abby is healthy (and still wearing her spaghetti mustache from dinner) so I snagged a pic!  Also, I almost forgot to mention that even though I've had sick ones to care for, Sam had a great day!  It was probably one of his best in a very, very  long time.  I've been using the oils on him, diligently, and I think they have a calming effect!  Today I did them 3 times, and each massage was about 15-20 minutes long.  That, combined with more sensory things are really paying off.  The other exciting thing about Sam is that he is starting to use sign language.  He will sign all of his colors and use them.  For example, if I give him a choice between rice chex or corn chex, he signed "green" for the box color of the corn chex.  It has been a lot of fun!  I know some colors, but not all, so today, he was trying to show us the sign for pink, and we just weren't getting it.  He wasn't happy with us and stormed over to the bookcase to find something with the color pink on it!  It was adorable and such a good sign!  I need to pull out my books and freshen  up my signing.  I think he is ready to really grow with this!

2 Weeks of Cub Scouts

I took this picture today to show what our focus is over the next few weeks.  This is one of the many reasons that I LOVE homeschooling.  Mitchell is finishing up his Webelos year of scouts, and I'll admit, it has come way too quick!  He still has quite a bit to finish to earn all of his awards.  So, we decided to use school time to finish it all up!  Today he earned his citizenship pin, as we spent several hours talking about laws, being a good citizen, the American flag, the national anthem, and lots of other fun things!  I had a blast!  I love scouting!  I truly can't say enough things about the wonderful program!

Still Sick

Are you as sick of reading about my sick children as I am of having sick children?  They are showing improvement, so that is a good thing!  Noah's fever is slowly going down, but tonight he is showing signs of pink eye, so that might be here to stay for awhile!  I just love this sweet picture of him!  He's trying so hard to feel well enough to play!

I've been doing a lot more writing lately, and really feeling like I am getting into a flow of things. I have started a writing blog (I seriously do have more blogs than shoes) and you can find it through the link at the top! I'm just getting started, but I want it to be a fun way for people to follow along as I take this journey!

Sick Babies

It was a very long day.  It was a day that is familiar to every mother who reads this!  There is just nothing quite as draining as having a sick baby.  Even sick kids aren't as difficult, and as tough as it  may be to believe, it's even just a little worse than a sick hubby! LOL!

First, I was awakened around midnight to Noah crying.  His cries seemed close rather than down the hall in the bedroom he shares with his oldest brother.  Instantly, the mother thing kicked in and I knew he was not in his bed.  I jumped up and ran out my door to find Sam carrying Noah down the stairs in the dark.  I'm so glad Noah let out a cry to let me know!  It was all I could do to remain calm so I wouldn't scare Sam and make him fall or drop Noah down the rest of the stairs.  I felt so much relief once he was in my arms safe again.

Also, at this moment, I realize that he has a poopy diaper (lots of these lately from teething or allergies or we don't know), so I change him.  I was exhausted as Saturday had been a full day!  John took Sam down to the spare bedroom in the basement to sleep because we were too afraid of him escaping again (he currently sleeps in our room on the floor because he is famous for getting up and wandering).  I guess I was just too tired to hear him getting out last night.

Once everyone was back to bed, I fell asleep again, only to be awakened again by Noah at 4 a.m.  He was poopy again and now running a fever.  I won't bore you all with the rest of the details, because I'm sure you get the idea.  A crying, whiney baby who wants to be held all day can be very tiring.  Sam's pink eye is looking better, but not gone completely.  And just a few minutes ago, Mitchell came down to tell us that he ached all over, his throat was sore and he wanted to throw up.  Needless to say, I will have to wait until tomorrow to upload the picture because I am headed to bed!

**Updated to add photo.  This was Chipper at his scout meeting Sunday night.  He just earned his First and Second class!

Pink Eye

It's amazing how one little thing can show up in the morning and just change the course of the whole day!  We had a lot planned for today, and when Sam woke up, his eyes were red, red, red.  I had our Stake Humanitarian day planned for the morning and John was going to take Sam to speech.  We had the babysitting arranged and things planned for the afternoon.  I was still able to go and do the projects like I wanted, but the afternoon was crazy.  Sam was not feeling well, I think his eyes bothered him quite a bit, and he had quite the melt down.  He ended up falling asleep in my arms for 2 hours.  Here he is tonight, looking quite a bit better.  I treated him only with essential oils, which has become the norm in our family.  So far, so good.  Every hour, we would apply purify (a blend of several citrus oils, cilantro, pine) to the area around his eye.  I didn't put it in his eye, just above his eyebrow and around.  I also gave him an aromatouch therapy massage, which helped calm him a lot.  This is an amazing massage using 8 different oils and rubbing them into the back and feet in such a way that it really works it into their spine.  I'm hoping he looks much better tomorrow!  Noah is teething (3 top teeth at once) so that has added to the fun!  All in all, it was still a good day.

The Power of Opposites

I had an interesting experience today.  And it left me with a lot to think about and ponder.  Darkness is an interesting thing.  It can be so full of fear.  It represents that which we do not know or understand.  It can be all consuming if we allow it.  But darkness can be other things, as well.  Without darkness, we couldn't have light.  Without darkness, we may never be forced to feel our way around and search for the right path.  Darkness strengthens us and tests us and in the end shows what we are really  made of.  I am grateful for darkness, just as I am grateful for light.

Sam had gymnastics today, and part way through his lesson, I found him wandering upstairs.  None of his teachers even knew that he escaped.  No one was looking for him and when I went to speak with the director of the program, I learned that this isn't the first time he has gotten away.  In fact, the last time, he made it to the parking lot before they caught him.  I won't get into all the details, but basically Sam won't be going back.  They feel he is not fit for their program (a community rec center gymnastics program) and I should find a private one on one class for him.  It wasn't so much that I minded him not being welcome because he is special needs and not like the other children, therefore a bit more work, it was that they knew from the beginning what his challenges were and they told me it wasn't a problem.  But also, I was bothered by the way I was treated.  I was made to feel that I had done something wrong or that he had done something wrong.  They were very careful to cover their end of things.  I felt discouraged.  I felt sad that everywhere we go, Sam doesn't fit in and most of the time, he isn't welcome.  I am learning to grow a very thick skin.  It isn't easy to be looked at when you are in a public place and your almost six year old has a complete meltdown, requiring you to pick him up and remove him.  Between the looks and even comments I have received, I know that people don't understand.  Sam looks like a normal cute boy, and I'm sure many have questioned my parenting ability in the midst of these things.  I can see it in their eyes. 

As I work to create a normal, fun childhood for Sam, I am constantly met with obstacles.  There are more "can't"s than "can"s and a lot of heartache as I work to find normal activities with regular kids that won't break the bank.  That moment, leaving early from gymnastics, because we were no longer a good "fit" was a very dark moment.  Lots of thoughts went through my head.  Maybe I could write a letter or even write really nasty things about them on facebook and my blogs.  But the truth of the matter is, what good would that do?  It would only keep me in the darkness and focused on the negatives in this situation.  It isn't worth it.  They run a wonderful gymnastics program there, and it isn't their fault that  Sam is not like other children.  But it isn't my fault and it isn't Sam's fault either.  So, I get to be creative!  I get to find the light in this situation and make it better.  What a wonderful opportunity.  And seriously, I couldn't be more pleased.  I am positive that we are not alone in our search for activities.  I didn't put Sam in gymnastics so he could be the gold medalist in the 2024 Olympics (just threw that number out there, it probably doesn't even match up!). I put Sam in gymnastics so he could have fun, be around kids his age, and feel like he had an activity just for himself!  It was great exercise and helped to strengthen muscles that don't come easy for him.  I thought about putting him in soccer, as sign ups are going on right now, but I asked about a special needs team and they don't have one.  I know Sam well enough to know that being on a soccer team would mean lots of open grass to run away on!  So, really, we wouldn't be making any progress.

Then the idea came.  I could create a weekly play date at the park and invite any other children in our area with special needs or even just other kids who wanted to get together.  I will plan games that will not only be fun, but have sensory things involved as well.  Each week will be different and exciting and fun.  Afterwards, for those that wanted to stay, we can have a lunch and visit while the kids play.  I'm sure I am not the only parent in my area with a special needs child, and somehow I want to find the others and connect with them!  I have big ideas for this, but they are also reasonable.  I know my limits (well, I try anyway), but if I can't take Sam to a safe and appropriate activity with other children, I will create it!  I'm excited.  I'm thrilled to know that there is always an opposite reaction for every action.  For as dark and isolated as I felt, I can turn it around and experience that same amount of joy on the other end!  I love that! 

I will admit that sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my challenges.  I see only the dark and find a lot of pain and loss there.  I love this little boy with all my heart, and it kills me sometimes to see him work so hard for what comes natural to most other people.  But, then I am reminded that he is raising me to be the type of mother I could have ever only dreamed about being.  He is giving me the strength and the courage to climb mountains I would have otherwise avoided.  He is teaching me to love every person I meet because I don't know their story and I don't know their pain.  And believe me, that is the brightest light I can imagine!

The Next Mozart

This little guy LOVES music!  Now in all fairness, he comes by it honestly.  Music is a big thing in our house.  Not that we have exceptional talent or anything, just that we all enjoy it so much!  Chipper plays the piano, all the time, even when it's not the most convenient time.  Mitchell can hear a song a few times and sit down and pick out the notes for it.  Abby has only recently started playing, but she loves it. 

Well, anytime that Chipper or I or anyone is sitting at the piano, Noah crawls in, pulls himself up and dances along to the  music. I think it is safe to say that the front room is his favorite room in the house!  Today, I was practicing a song, and of course, he came right in to join me.  I lifted him up to my lap and let him play the keys.  He thought that was the best ever!  He would pound a few notes and then turn back to me with the biggest grin!  Then back to pounding on the piano!  I just couldn't resist snapping a picture of that  smile!

New Look

I decided to slim things down and go with a more professional, clean look!  It's not very scrappy, but I really like it.  I'm sure I'll continue to play with it, as well as  my other blogs, but it's just so fun!

Tonight was Mitchell's Blue and Gold Banquet for scouts.  This was him getting a couple of awards.  He only has 2 months left of cub scouts. I know I do the countdown every month and express my sadness, but dang, it's just going way too fast!

There are always so many things I want to blog about, but then I think I just get chicken.  Sometimes, I'm able to just lay it all out there, but other times, I stick to the facts of the day.  Facts are much easier than emotions.  The truth is, I have a lot of emotions inside that I constantly try to sort through and put in the right place. 


One of the main emotions is how invisible I feel.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  I admit that I spend a lot of my free time, hiding behind a computer and typing things rather than talking, but when it comes to real world things, I feel like I just blend in the background.  Have you seen that commercial for depression where the person just blends into the couch or the bus or the freezer section at the grocery store?  That's how it feels.  And I don't think it is caused by depression, because I'm happy, overall.  I just feel that for most of my life, I'm either trying too hard to be noticed or I just fade into the background.  I know that I have a lot more guts to write things out on a blog than I do to say in real life.  I used to think it had to do with my weight and feeling so ashamed about that, but I think its deeper than that.  I'm still searching for the reasons, because I am determined to fix it!  I'll have to keep you posted, though, because I am definitely a work in progress!

Ssh, Don't Tell Daddy

This is Noah's favorite thing to play with! If daddy leaves it open for even a minute, we find Noah over there pounding away! And just look at those eyes! Can you ever get mad at someone that cute???

My Bookends!

It's what I lovingly call my oldest and my youngest, and here they are together on the couch! I came downstairs this morning to see the two of them hanging out! Does it get any cuter? I love how much all of my children love their baby brother, but it's especially fun to see how much the older kids enjoy him. They are such a big help!

We had a good day today, in fact, it was an almost perfect day! Chipper and I went to the music store and found more music for him. He is becoming quite the pianist and can't get enough. He plays constantly and goes through music faster than I can buy it! He doesn't just learn an entire song in a matter of weeks, but memorizes it as well. Some that you can hear often at our house include, The Entertainer (played at a faster rate than Joplin ever intended, I'm sure), Walking in Memphis, How to Save a Life and Loving You by Jason Mraz was the new one he got today!

After that, John took all the kids, except Noah to visit his parents, and I enjoyed a quiet house! I was able to write over 1,000 words on my book and it felt so nice to enjoy the quiet!

Valentines Day

We had a pretty good day. John and I celebrated last night by going out to dinner and exchanging gifts. We had a rule this year, for gifts it couldn't be traditional--no chocolate, no flowers! He got me a year's subscription to a writing magazine (I can't wait) and I got him the MLB package, so that we can watch every Brave's game this year! We are both excited and had so much fun together!

Today was church and for Sunday dinner, we made steaks and chicken. I also made gluten-free brownies (that I tried to cut into hearts, but they didn't come out of the pan very well for me) with vanilla ice cream. I wanted to add cherries that I had bottled last summer, but it was my last bottle, and it was fermented. Just my luck!

In all the excitement of the day, I didn't get a picture done until tonight! Fortunately, my ever photogenic little girl was quick to volunteer! She's such a darling! Last night, before she went to bed, she left love notes on all our pillows. John's was a hand drawn pig that said, "Hogs and Kisses". Sam's note said "will you play heartball with me?" And mine said, "Roses are Red, Violets are blue, pancakes are red on valentines day." Glad she could leave me a reminder! LOL!!!

Chuck E. Cheese

Every Saturday, Sam and I drive into Provo for his private speech lessons. This was our second week doing this, and it's a lot of fun! We just love his therapist and she has made so much progress with him already! She is the first person to successfully get Sam to say his whole name "sssaaamm" and do it on a consistent basis! After he works so hard at speech, I reward him with a little play time at Chuck E. Cheese! He looks forward to it all week long! Today, Chuck E. came up to him, and he totally didn't know what to think. This picture shows the distance he kept and even after Chuck E. had moved on Sam kept looking back over his shoulder!

Dental Work

Poor Mitchell. Today was a tough day for him! He had to have some dental work done, and because he is so terrified of the whole process that it is impossible for a dentist to work on him (and still keep his fingers), we had to have him put under by general anesthesia to have 3 teeth extracted and a filling filled. It's nice to have all the work done, but boy is it an ordeal! I'm so glad my other kids all have better teeth and less fear. Mitchell had a lot of health problems as a child, and took lots of medications which is what I blame for his soft teeth!

Anyway, he was pretty loopy on the drive home and for about the first hour. He kept staring at his hand and then slapping himself. It was funny and not, all at the same time! After that, he bounced back quickly and you'd never know it by tonight. I think what he hated the most was having to have fluids only for most the day!

Valentine's Hair

So today was Abby's Valentine's party, and I just had to do something fun and special with her hair! I have a favorite hair blog (proof that there is truly a blog for and about everything in the world) and I found this cute little do on it! It was so easy! I did both hers and Olivia's, exactly the same! I love those mornings, when I send my kids out the door, and they don't look like orphans! i wish I were disciplined enough to be this good every morning!

And for anyone interested in checking out lots of darling hair do's, click HERE!

Where is Winter???

So while the East coast is working to dig themselves out of one of the worst blizzards in years, out here in the west, I think spring is coming early! I can't believe how gorgeous the weather is and spring fever is beginning to get in my blood! I just know I'm being fooled and we'll still get a few good storms before it's time to pull out the lawn mower, but it is nice to enjoy the sun and outdoors! Growing up in Southern Nevada, I don't think I would have ever called 45 degrees warm and balmy, but for February in Utah, we might as well pull the swim suits out! This picture says it all! Noah loved being outdoors and playing on the steps. He was so happy. I think I have 30 pictures of him, but this one is my favorite!

Sweet Kids

This little note is seriously one of the absolute highlights of being a parent! Last night, we went out for dinner to our favorite restaurant (Golden Corral) for family home evening! We had a blast and everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves. It was the first time we had been there altogether since the night before Noah was born (10 months). On the way home, Olivia complained that her tummy hurt and soon after getting into bed, she began to throw up. While we did all the things (okay, I didn't do much, John is the sweet one who steps in and handles all puking messes in our house) Mitchell, snuck downstairs and slipped this note onto the counter. What a sweet gesture. He wanted her to know he was thinking of her!

After a rough and sleepless night (again, my dear husband was the one to stay up with her) she was back to her usual self today! I didn't actually even see or know about the note until today and was very touched by it.

It really is these little, simple gestures and moments that make up a life. Amidst all the drama, the worry, the big events and the important occasions, life is made up of millions of simple moments. It's the words we speak, the love we show and even just the tiny gestures of showing we care. I just had to document this for today, because I feel like it represents so much! I hope Olivia always knows and remembers how much she is loved by her big brother. And I hope her big brother always remembers to love and care for his little sister.

Valentine Box

I am so in love with this little box! I made it for Abby to take to school for her valentine party. It was so easy! I just put together a sheet of pictures of her with her friends, her sister, her baby brother, etc. Then I printed off 4 sheets of it on my regular printer. I cut and glued it onto a box and then applied a light layer of modge podge (coolest stuff EVER) and then added a few flowers and ribbon! I love how it is all about her and will be a fun keepsake box to use afterwards!

Super Bowl Sunday

Here was the food I made for us to watch with the Super Bowl tonight, and even though our team didn't win, we still had a blast! I love making yummy food for the family and sitting back and relaxing!

Sewing Project

So I've been in the mood lately to do some sewing! It's been close to 2 years since I have sewn anything, and in fact, a few weeks ago when I pulled out my sewing machine, a very important tiny screw was missing! 4 phone calls to Sears, 3 incorrectly shipped orders and I finally have my screw and can use my machine! So, I made these little dresses today, for my girls. I still have to finish the straps on Olivia's tomorrow morning before church! I bought cream shirts for them to wear underneath so they don't freeze, and I can't wait to see them in them! I'm excited for more projects!!!

Also, today, we had an amazing private speech lesson with Sam! It was the first private lesson we've done in over a year. He did so well! For the first time, I got to hear him say his name "Sam", instead of "Am". She really worked with him on combining letters and it was so fun! I'm excited to keep this going. Even tonight when I would say, "what is your name", he would stop and think about it and then slowly say "ssssam" It was awesome!

My New Best Friend

First I want to apologize by how much this blog has been about Sam lately. But, it is indicative of how much this has fillled our lives, as well! And I really want a record of this journey, not just for me, but for him, and for anyone else who may ever find themselves wondering what is going on with their child! I never realized how difficult it would be to find answers. I was naive enough to believe that if something wasn't quite right, I would pack my child up, go to a doctor, tell him the concerns and get an answer as easy as that. Rarely has that been the case in my journey of motherhood! I have had to search and pray and search and talk to others and pray some more and search within more times than I can count! I could spend all night describing some of the amazing, scary and totally out of the blue things we've been through. My children have stumped more than one doctor before! I joke that by the time I'm done raising children, I will have earned my own medical degree--I don't say that real jokingly! I have had to learn a lot and I understand more about all parts of the body than I ever learned in College Biology! I love it though. I love learning and expanding my knowledge and experience. I wouldn't trade this for anything!

The book I posted above is the book the teacher lent us. I have loved reading it and have found so much helpful information! I am again, very excited to see what we can conquer with Sam. Today was another good day. It wasn't quite as perfect as yesterday, but I also had more things going on. There is definitely a correlation between me being even a little stressed and how he reacts. Mostly though, I'm trying to reassure him over and over again how much we love him, how good he is and how hard he is working.

I'm thankful for the friends I've met on this journey, even if I haven't met them in real life. Jewel, who often comments here, is one of those friends. She and I share a lot about this journey with boys who are quite similar. It always helps to know you aren't going through things alone! Jewel, I soooo appreciated your comment yesterday and really loved the insight you gave! It was one more piece of information to file away and help me better understand what Sam is dealing with. I truly can't imagine what it would be like to feel as though part of my body didn't exist. I can't comprehend what our boys face every day!

Hot Dog Game

Today went so well! I am amazed at how some extra sensory input could really make a big difference for him. The other thing I worked on was having complete patience with him. I didn't rush him, I didn't get frustrated, I just loved him. It was a wonderful feeling and one that we both needed! When we went to Wal-mart, there was a firetruck parked outside. Rather than rushing him into the store and barely noticing his excitement, I took the time to walk him over to it and let him touch it. He was in heaven! We talked about what it felt like and looked like and then he was ready to go on in the store. Everytime something caught his attention, I let him touch it and talk about. Yes, it made the trip a little longer, but we made it through without a single episode of him running away and without any melt downs. I don't know if that has ever happened!

When he came home from school, we played the hot dog game with him. I had explained to the older kids, while Sam was in school, what sensory disorders are and how we can help Sam. I told them all about the hot dog game (I got the idea from the book the teacher lent me yesterday) and everyone was so excited! I have to say, this is a fabulous game for ANY child, not just one with a sensory disorder. After we finished with Sam, Abby and Livvy had to take their turns and it worked into 30 minutes of great fun for all! It was such a difference from the fits and fighting and other things we have endured.

Here's how to play:

You lay out a sleeping bag and have the child lay on their tummy at one far end. You have them keep their head off the bag. Then you tell them that you need to prepare the hot dog. You can use a big ball to roll over them, but we didn't have one, so we just used our hands (all the kids helped). We told Sam to say "bop" (stop) or "o, o, o" (go) depending on what he wanted. He loved having that control!

After we prepared the hot dog, we applied ketchup. You can use any type of texture item from a washcloth to a brush or anything. We didn't have a lot of tools, so we used our hands and just did a tickling type motion up and down his body. He loved that!

Next, we applied the mustard. For that, I just used my fingers to bounce up and down him. Again, he giggled the whole time. Last, we added the chopped onions. For this, I used a back massager and ran it up and down. He really loved that and didn't say stop for a very long time! In fact, several times, we would ask if he was done and he just said, "go, go, go"! Too cute!

Once we were all done preparing the hot dog, we rolled him and wrapped him up! Then, with him wrapped in the sleeping bag, we moved him back and forth until he said stop. And then we ate him! So fun!

We also played with cars in shaving cream at the table, and they all enjoyed that, as well. It's fun to do these activities, that are meeting a crucial need for Sam, but also fun for the other kids! It was a perfect day! I'm so thankful for these ideas and for this journey. It is rarely easy, but I love how much it has pushed me and made me look deep for answers. I am a big believer in prayer and these challenges have pushed me to my knees more than once! I am grateful that I can pray and find the direction I need. Most times the help comes through other people, countless angels on earth willing to help me, but I have no doubt that ultimately, it all comes from God!

Patty Cake

One of Noah's newest and favorite things is patty cake! I merely need to mention the words and he instantly begins to put his little hands together! I just love how fun they are at this age! He is such a sweet baby!

Other important things today was a meeting with Sam's teachers. I think it went really well. His main teacher gave me a book of ideas for children with sensory integration disorders. I can't wait to try some of the ideas. Sam is extremely sensory seeking, which means he needs a lot of sensory input. I once had it explained that he needs a lot of input to all parts of his body, for his brain to remember that they are there. And apparently, if he is focused on getting the input he needs, he can't seem to focus on anything else. It's almost like a young child who has a difficult time getting his food needs met. He would think about nothing else until he got the food he needed. For Sam, it's that way. A lot of his acting out he does to fulfill this need. I'm excited to try the techniques and see if they help. When he is mellow and not acting up, he is a very sweet boy. I love him so much and just want to see more of the real Sam, rather than feeling frustrated with him on such a regular basis!

I will keep you all posted, on what we do, and it will be fun to document our journey here!

6 more weeks of Winter

I stole the idea from a fellow CT member to do a Groundhog Meatloaf for Groundhogs Day. Doesn't it look tasty? I had so much fun with this! I laughed the whole time I made it, especially when it looked more like a pig than a groundhog! But I think the best was how the family referred to it? "Can I have some more groundhog?" "Is the groundhog all gone?" I promise it was just ground beef, but it was a little fun to pretend that we actually ate the groundhog because he saw his shadow! He should have had better news for us!!!

Thrilled!!!

Doesn't he look thrilled doing the dishes? Hm, I wonder which he hates more--dishes or me taking his picture! Oh well, today was a busy day, and I completely forgot to snap any pictures until tonight. Most of the rest of them were gone to bed already, so poor Mitchell gets to be my subject tonight! I don't have much to write about, because I'm tired and ready for bed! However, today existed and we survived and nothing too big happened!

Finished out the month!

I'm so excited that I made it through the entire month of January and never missed a day! This is so unlike me! You don't even know! I'm the queen of great ideas, and not so good at the follow through! Maybe getting old is helping me to be a little more determined to keep with it! Either way, one month of 2010 down and 11 more to go (not that I'm in any hurry to see it pass quickly).

Sundays are hard days for me to get pictures. They aren't typical "take pictures" sort of day, so I have to really work at it! We usually spend the morning getting ready for church, spend 3 hours at church, have Sunday dinner, maybe squeeze in a nap, etc.

Tonight I grabbed this photo right before we put kids to bed. Please ignore the mess of my basement! It was a day full of play by Sam and Olivia, and I hadn't had time to clean up! Besides, that's life, right! And I'm all about capturing the realness!

We discovered a fun game tonight, we put the table at its highest setting, set it next to the bean bag and let Sam jump to his heart's content. They call it "crashing" in the autism world (or at least on the website I read about this) and its supposed to be good for sensory stuff. He has always loved jumping, so needless to say, this was a hit! He was in heaven!

I'm off to bed, as it's late and tomorrow will be another busy, crazy day! Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my ramblings over the past month! I hope I didn't bore anyone too much!