I'm the mom...I'm in control

There once was a time when I truly believed that all control lay within my grasp!  It's so wonderful, isn't it?  You bring that first baby home and although you are scared, you have spent nine months reading all the books you can find.  You have it all planned out!  You are going to do it different than your mom did, you're going to do it different than your mother-in-law, you're even going to do it different than the mom down the street because this is your baby!  It's a marvelous feeling as you decide when bedtime is and what the daily schedule will be.  Of course, the baby does throw a few snags into your perfect plans because he or she needs to eat 30 minutes before you planned, but even that goes with "your" way.  If you choose to feed on demand or if you let him or her cry it out until the clock says its okay-either way-you are in control!  You are in the driver's seat and it's an absolute feeling of power and control!  Heaven forbid the well-meaning friend or family member who tries to tell  you a different way. And whether you want to admit it or not, you do have a few smug moments when you are out in public and your child is doing everything right and someone else's child is having a fit.  Let's face it, your child "must" be behaving so well because you fed him at the right time or made a sacrifice to get that nap in.

Maybe not everyone is as psychotic as I was when I first became a mom, but I truly thought I had it all figured out and I was going to do it perfectly!  I was even lucky enough to get a really easy first baby who rarely cried, did everything early, was at the top of the charts and never got sick! This only added to my delusion that I knew what I was doing!

I'm not sure when that perception was shattered, maybe because it was a gradual process and no one likes to document the moment they have to eat humble pie.  I just know that with each child and every year of parenting, I realized I knew less and less.  Even through that, I still clung to my control!  If I could control what they watched on t.v. and what friends they played with and what chores they did and when they went to bed and what they ate for dinner, then I still felt like I was doing my job!  And if I could bribe them or threaten them to be really good in public, then maybe I could cling to some inkling of perfect parenting.

Fortunately for me, Sam has taught me a new way to parent and it's about letting go of that all important control.  Can you imagine?  Can you fathom what it feels like to let go?  Well, I still cling to what I can, because I'm imperfect and it's a step by step process.  But, when I do let go, when I let the moments be what they are and just follow my children's lead, magic happens!  It is the best feeling!  And sometimes letting go of that control can be terrifying, but it builds strength too.

One of Sam's favorite things to do is explore the world!  He loves to walk and walk and walk.  Recently, we have learned to reign it in a bit by having him tell us he is ready to walk and we go with him.  But it wasn't too long ago when those walks came in the form of him disappearing.  The last major time it happened was in August and he was gone for 2 hours.  We had to call the police (not a first time experience) and we had detectives here and everyone out looking for him.  I was panicked. I was scared and emotional.  I felt overcome by fear and the possibilities of what could have happened.  During that time, I came to the realization that I truly have no control.  The control I cling to is a false sense of security because only God knows what is really happening.  In those moments, I knew that I had no idea where my Sam was, but God knew.  And then I turned it over to Him.  I stopped worrying and feeling so scared and just prayed that His will would be done and that no matter what, I would have the strength to handle it.  Believe it or not, that was the most liberating feeling I have ever had.  I didn't have to cling to my control anymore.  I could let go and let  God show me what His will was.  We found  Sam, barefoot and playing with some boys in a cul-de-sac about 5 minutes from our house.  He was perfectly safe the whole time.  But what if it had been different?  What if he had drowned, been kidnapped, been hit by a car...  Would my control have changed it?

This is an extreme example of control or lack thereof, but I think it shows the point of why it's important to just let go sometimes and let them take the lead.  It's okay to follow them and let them decide what they are going to do for the day.  Now, Sam and I walk every day, sometimes more than once.  When he says, "walk mama", we walk because I don't want him to go to great lengths to escape and walk on his own.  He has learned to trust me that I will not only let him walk when he wants to, but that I will let him lead the way.  Most of the time, our walks look a lot the same. He has a pattern that he likes to follow of things he wants to see in the same order, every day.  But sometimes, part way through, he will get an idea and off we go on a completely different path.  I just follow.  And I love the world he shows me.

Interestingly enough, although I have learned to let Sam take the lead on many things in our lives, I am not as good about that with my other kids.  I still hold them to strict standards sometimes and exercise too much control.  I know that children need boundaries and limits, I'm not talking about letting them do what they want all the time, but it's finding the balance.  It's learning to let go when they are 13 and want to spend time with friends or have discovered girls.  It's letting my 9 year old have a messy room sometimes because she would rather be reading a new book.  It's about letting my 4 year old make a huge mess in the entry way with her dolls as she pretends and pretends.   I think Sam was sent to me to teach me how to just let go more and enjoy life and the individual personalities of each of my children.  They don't need to meet my every expectation to be loved, but sometimes I worry my control issues make them feel that way.  And so I keep trying, letting them take the lead sometimes and watching where it will take us.  Life is truly the greatest adventure and for me, my children and my husband are what make it worth every minute!