The Power of Opposites

I had an interesting experience today.  And it left me with a lot to think about and ponder.  Darkness is an interesting thing.  It can be so full of fear.  It represents that which we do not know or understand.  It can be all consuming if we allow it.  But darkness can be other things, as well.  Without darkness, we couldn't have light.  Without darkness, we may never be forced to feel our way around and search for the right path.  Darkness strengthens us and tests us and in the end shows what we are really  made of.  I am grateful for darkness, just as I am grateful for light.

Sam had gymnastics today, and part way through his lesson, I found him wandering upstairs.  None of his teachers even knew that he escaped.  No one was looking for him and when I went to speak with the director of the program, I learned that this isn't the first time he has gotten away.  In fact, the last time, he made it to the parking lot before they caught him.  I won't get into all the details, but basically Sam won't be going back.  They feel he is not fit for their program (a community rec center gymnastics program) and I should find a private one on one class for him.  It wasn't so much that I minded him not being welcome because he is special needs and not like the other children, therefore a bit more work, it was that they knew from the beginning what his challenges were and they told me it wasn't a problem.  But also, I was bothered by the way I was treated.  I was made to feel that I had done something wrong or that he had done something wrong.  They were very careful to cover their end of things.  I felt discouraged.  I felt sad that everywhere we go, Sam doesn't fit in and most of the time, he isn't welcome.  I am learning to grow a very thick skin.  It isn't easy to be looked at when you are in a public place and your almost six year old has a complete meltdown, requiring you to pick him up and remove him.  Between the looks and even comments I have received, I know that people don't understand.  Sam looks like a normal cute boy, and I'm sure many have questioned my parenting ability in the midst of these things.  I can see it in their eyes. 

As I work to create a normal, fun childhood for Sam, I am constantly met with obstacles.  There are more "can't"s than "can"s and a lot of heartache as I work to find normal activities with regular kids that won't break the bank.  That moment, leaving early from gymnastics, because we were no longer a good "fit" was a very dark moment.  Lots of thoughts went through my head.  Maybe I could write a letter or even write really nasty things about them on facebook and my blogs.  But the truth of the matter is, what good would that do?  It would only keep me in the darkness and focused on the negatives in this situation.  It isn't worth it.  They run a wonderful gymnastics program there, and it isn't their fault that  Sam is not like other children.  But it isn't my fault and it isn't Sam's fault either.  So, I get to be creative!  I get to find the light in this situation and make it better.  What a wonderful opportunity.  And seriously, I couldn't be more pleased.  I am positive that we are not alone in our search for activities.  I didn't put Sam in gymnastics so he could be the gold medalist in the 2024 Olympics (just threw that number out there, it probably doesn't even match up!). I put Sam in gymnastics so he could have fun, be around kids his age, and feel like he had an activity just for himself!  It was great exercise and helped to strengthen muscles that don't come easy for him.  I thought about putting him in soccer, as sign ups are going on right now, but I asked about a special needs team and they don't have one.  I know Sam well enough to know that being on a soccer team would mean lots of open grass to run away on!  So, really, we wouldn't be making any progress.

Then the idea came.  I could create a weekly play date at the park and invite any other children in our area with special needs or even just other kids who wanted to get together.  I will plan games that will not only be fun, but have sensory things involved as well.  Each week will be different and exciting and fun.  Afterwards, for those that wanted to stay, we can have a lunch and visit while the kids play.  I'm sure I am not the only parent in my area with a special needs child, and somehow I want to find the others and connect with them!  I have big ideas for this, but they are also reasonable.  I know my limits (well, I try anyway), but if I can't take Sam to a safe and appropriate activity with other children, I will create it!  I'm excited.  I'm thrilled to know that there is always an opposite reaction for every action.  For as dark and isolated as I felt, I can turn it around and experience that same amount of joy on the other end!  I love that! 

I will admit that sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my challenges.  I see only the dark and find a lot of pain and loss there.  I love this little boy with all my heart, and it kills me sometimes to see him work so hard for what comes natural to most other people.  But, then I am reminded that he is raising me to be the type of mother I could have ever only dreamed about being.  He is giving me the strength and the courage to climb mountains I would have otherwise avoided.  He is teaching me to love every person I meet because I don't know their story and I don't know their pain.  And believe me, that is the brightest light I can imagine!