Do I Dare?

Sam was pretty excited about his discovery of using a sleeping bag to go down the stairs. But as he is with most things like that, he was too cautious to just let himself go! He had to inch down, one stair at a time! I'm often amazed at the irony. This boy has no comprehension of the dangers of just running away from us, or wandering the neighborhood at his leisure, but something as simple as stepping on an escalator or going from one step to another or even walking across a bridge has always left him very, very cautious. I guess that is one of the joys that come in this adventure!

He has been a real handful lately, and I have found myself searching the Internet for ideas. Some days, though, I get tired of even looking for answers or coming up with new solutions. Every once in awhile, I just need time to feel sorry for myself and wonder if I'm going to make it even one more day. It's really hard to always have the patience needed. It isn't like I have to have the required energy for a few hours, this is something that can sometimes consume 20+ hours in a day. He doesn't sleep well, and is usually up several times a night. He only wants me and will scream if John tries to get him back to bed. He starts every day between 5 and 5:30. The only saving grace is that he goes to bed by about 7:30. So, I usually have until then to midnight as my time, or his school time. I can't leave the room he is in because I never know what he is going to do. I know he loves his baby brother, but sometimes, for no explained reason, he will just walk by and hit him or shove him or kick him. It takes everything within me to not yell at him or spank him, and sometimes, even then, I cave to my own weaknesses and the guilt can just eat me alive. So, amid my constant search for a better way, a better routine, a new activity to hold his attention, sometimes I just can't search anymore. That's where I was yesterday. I had had all I could handle. John had been gone for 4 full days, and I was exhausted and spent. The house was a mess, because I just didn't have the energy. I was grumpy and cranky and tired.

Today, I woke up and returned to my searching. I don't know if it will improve things. I found ideas about using a picture schedule and giving him more opportunities to get his energy out. I will try them and tweak them and do what I can, because I love him. It's my job to find the answers, and so I will. Fortunately, moments like this, watching him play quietly on the stairs, working to overcome his fear, give me the strength to continue! And hopefully, the next time he pushes Noah down for no reason or head butts his little sister or throws his shoes at me while I'm driving, I will picture this cute face and find the patience.