Funny Moments

Lately I have been spending a lot more time with Sam, just trying to let him be him and seeing the world from his view.  I've decided that he doesn't need to do thing my way to be normal, I just need to understand things the way he does.  This has been an amazing gift and given me so much insight into my darling little man!  Getting his ideas out can sometimes entail a lot of charades, but it can be fun!  I thought I would share a few things tonight.

Olivia talks daily about getting a puppy.  She is obsessed and is planning and planning for this new addition, even though we have told her it will be at least a year before mom is ready for another "baby".  At first, Sam would always say "no (insert panting dog sound), horse"  Yes, he believed we should get a horse instead of a dog.  Well, yesterday as we were walking, he said, "mammy, no (insert panting dog sound), ooh ooh, ah, ah"  I said, "you want a monkey?"  He nodded, with much excitement and said it again.  I found it so cute that he had really thought it out!  Of course, Olivia was quick to put things in perspective, as she said we don't have a tree for a monkey.

The other cute thing, took a bit more work to get out of him, so I'll save the actual dialogue.  We were discussing hair cuts, and he kept pointing to his chin and jaw line.  Finally, we figured out and he confirmed that he wanted a hair cut and a beard-at the same time!  He was convinced that I could just use the cut hair to make the beard.

He is a delight and I find myself enjoying him so much more than I ever thought possible.  Don't get me wrong, I've always held a special place for him in my heart.  As a baby, he was in and out of the hospital on a regular basis.  I was with him during most of those times and we had quite the bond.  Many times, when he is upset or scared, I am the only one he wants.  This can be draining and rewarding all at once.  But, I will admit, the past few years have been hard.  As he would make mess after mess and give me countless scares, I just felt worn out all the time.  I truly felt like he did those things, just to punish me, and sometimes he truly did.  If I didn't give him what he wanted, he would storm upstairs (to his room-or so I thought) only to find that he had locked himself in my room and ruined all of my makeup or flooded the bathroom while throwing in my blow dryer and curling iron with all the water. 

But he has taught me that those things don't really matter-they are just things.  And as I strive to understand his frustration, I feel great compassion for him.  I feel bad for the times I get upset and rush to judgment.  Someday, I hope to have true charity-unconditional love that overwhelms every other emotion.  I know if I have any chance of having that, it will come from these precious moments with Sam.  What a blessing he is in my life!

And because I do have 5 other children that I absolutely adore, I don't want to make it sound like Sam is my only focus!  I adore them all, and I'm so grateful for this role of motherhood!  I'm so imperfect and some days feel that they deserve so much more, but my love and admiration for each of them grows more each day!

Up, Up and Away

Tonight, after the little ones were in bed, I went for a walk.  It was right around dusk and the weather was amazing.  The view from our little development overlooks the entire Utah Valley.  In one glance, I could see budding trees, green grass, the blue lake and beyond that, amazing mountains still coated with snow!  It was breathtaking.  As I was walking, I noticed 3 helium balloons had been released into the sky.  They were attached together and just made me ponder.  They were so free!  They floated slowly into the beautiful heavens, with hardly a care in the world.  I pondered at how I felt like those three balloons, on this particular evening.  Amazing how a good day with a difficult situation can make you feel as if all the cares of the world have been lifted!  Compared to how heavy and dark the load was a week ago, those balloons reminded me of how good things can turn and change.  After pondering this for a second, I looked back towards the balloons, but they were completely gone.  They had disappeared into the vast sky's and no trace of them was left behind.  I searched and searched the sky, perhaps because it felt so fleeting, but there was no sign.

I continued to ponder this, and again,  I felt inspired by their brief moment in the sky.  Perhaps this is life.  The challenges come and they can feel so overwhelming.  We wonder how we will ever get through it.  Life seems unfair and relentless.  And then, all it takes is a moment.  A smile, a look in the eye when you know your autistic child is really seeing you and everything lifts! The joy is exquisite, the moment is priceless.  You feel on top of the world and like anything is possible.  You rejoice in the work it took to get to that moment, you feel the strength you didn't think you had, and you know you will get through another day, another month, a lifetime.  And just like those balloons, those moments are fleeting and you return your feet to the ground, put your head down and get back to work!  However, those little moments are what make it all worth it.  You continue to hope, you continue to dream and you live for the next smile, the next gleeful giggle and that joy once again.